Tuesday, June 09, 2015

For better and for...

A week, maybe more, I don't know. The days pass and I sit in  a room. My sprained ankle slowly recovers and every day I walk a little further. Outside it's hot, sticky hot, impossible to move anyhows under this type of heat. 40 degrees, it beats the last 3 years heat records. So I sit, I watch a few science fiction movies, read a bit, mystify some, listen to some tunes with a joint. I relax and watch the fan ceiling turn around and around. The room is filled with a few nothing, a couple pair of pants t-shirts, a bunch of art supplies, paper, pencils, a set of water colors, a tattoo equipment box. Lying around, incapable of walking for a few days,  I thought I would get some writing done, but instead of this, I sit, I study, and I digest the new changes happening in myself. I sit and I enjoy my quiet space, my silence, only going out for coffee and some food socializing. In the afternoon, I listen and watch the rain drops falling on the lake.
I am in Pokhara, Nepal, I sit on top of the world... and I watch it crumble...turning into... well only the future will tell...

Meanwhile, Nepal is getting more and more aid from the outside world. Everyone with a guilty consciousness wants to save the world, let's save Nepal the "blondies" think as they volunteer building zinc roof temporal homes in the mountains. Blondies are the tourists, bideshis as they call them here. Foreigners is great business, they all wanna help, hourray! Millions in foreign aid comes, China eats up at Nepal, a helping hand, a brick at a time. As Nepale government was useless in period of non crisis, it's triply useless in crisis period. The millions have not been handled properly before the quake, why should more millions change anything. So, I sit back, and I watch each solution turn into a few new problems. The government has now decided that the private groups should not bring help to the villages anymore, the gov say they will take care of it. They create more "official" seats, putting their "aphno manche" on a chair, in which they can sit their ass and sign more useless papers. In some parts of the mountains, villagers rob relief help, they steal the zinc sheets, too many sit and wait for help, rape cases in camps are every day news in the papers. One solution, 5 new problems, that's the way it goes. After all, Nepal did not get to be a 3rd world country over night, the past becomes the future.

Of course plenty of smiles and sucess positive stories fill up the social networks pages, yes, some are saving lives, many are doing amazing jobs, but it's one side only to the whole story. The pink colored glasses are of no use, the whole picture is much diferent than the whishfull and blind tunnel vision. There are always a few sides to any story, I try to see the whole picture, as ugly or as beautiful as it is, it's also part of my story. Meanwhile, the rest of the world keeps on turning, with it's wars and it's own forms of craziness. Ukraine, the midle east is on fire, and the usual tribal african ones, it's business as usual. Meanwhile, seeds are declared illegal, and chips are slowly coming t our diner table, check your DNA it might soon be illegal. My french friends all complain about France becoming a fascist country, then again, I know, they never lived in a real fascist country, but for sure, laws are becoming as idiotic as good old Amerikka. Yet, I know that foreigners still wear pink colored glasses when they visit other parts of the world. I took of the glasses and I said YES, it's a mad mad world, and for better and for worth, I am part of it. All you got to do is to choose what type of insanity you want for the moment.

If it is almost heart warming to see so many give their time and money for others (nepales and tourists alikes), the mind wonders about the long term consequences of all those helping hands. Maybe it's because I did this for a few years already that I now know diferent. In crisis, the better and the worth comes out of people. Assholes become even bigger assholes, and the nice guys are even nicer. The current nepale situation only shines the light on the many problems that Nepal had before the quake. The caste system, the women/men issues, the corruption on gov and on personal levels, the total incapacity at making any decisions and holding on to it, the total lack of any sense of organisation, the lack of trust amongst nepalese to other nepalese. That was Nepal and it will be Nepal. If I used to think that things and people change through time, I now think otherwise. I have no problem saying: "I was wrong". Only the idiot does not change it's mind when new data comes to disprove old beliefs. I was wrong, neither things nor people change. If they can grow and improve on certain things, the essence remains the same. A rose will be a rose, no matter what bonsai jedi tricks we project on it. A rose is a rose. Yet, we are not roses, we are complex beings with the power of choice. Only the Self can grow into seing a situation in a new light and act accordingly. It is a choice to see a rose as a beautiful thing or to decide that stamping on it is a thing to do.

For better and for worth... it's also part of my story. A marriage, a love story, a business, a country, and a few years laters the rose turned into a lotus. Dream over, 7 years laters, and one story ends to grow into a new one. Finally, you could say, finally I repeat. Yeah, things are moving on. I tried the carpet position for a while, and it did not suit me well, I started biting and practicing the subtle art of not giving a fuck where I don't want to.

Sitting for the week resting my sprained ankle, in between sf movies and melting under the heat, I read. I discover Mark Manson and his straight out, no bowlshit talk on relationships, life culture, business and the rest. What a breath of fresh air, his words make me laugh, think and reflect. Love is not enough, fuck yes or no, Evolution and sexual behaviour, 5 problems with the self help world or Why I fucking hate the Secret, I read it all and more. Bowlshit free, capable of saying "I don't know, we don't know", Mark takes the best out of the rational world, and applies it beautifully to the more fuzzy and somewhat complicated emotional world. I swallow his writing, each article spiced up with a nice dose of raw honesty mixed with a vulcan like sense of humour. Mark speaks from an evolved modern masculine point of view, for the pleasure of the ladies and men alike. A pleasure to read at a time of questioning what the fuck I am doing sitting in this room under 40 degrees heat, a fan, and a few clothes on the bed. Then again, to be honest, I often wonder what the fuck I am doing on this little blue ball floating into space, no matter where I am, those moments come just as they pass.

As the rain pours outside, I do remember why I am still here. Because it's my choice, because I love it. Because I like to take my time when I make decisions, because I first digest what needs to be digested, and because I know that when it's time, it is just time. I trust in the process, a faithfull agnostic I remain, or something along those lines.

Yes, I love my wanderlust, as it took me away from my birth country for most of my life. I love being away from the developed world, away from my roots. Being so close to the sometimes savage and cruel, other times sweet and nurturing nature is in my blood, I am a savage untamed creature. I love to dive deep inside myself, and into the lake of my own consciousness. I love to wake up, every day, to a new dream, a new challenge. As much as I sometimes hate it, I still fill my heart and soul with every day simple pleasure, like sitting at Shishi bakery, watching the street pass by, sipping on a cup of coffee. I know that those memories, will be with me always, as part of the good times, the once upon a time, the most simple days. The ones I will find again, dressed in a diferent dress perhaps, but with the same feeling, that all is mostly good.

I came to the top of the world, only to watch it crumble into yet, just another part of my world. The good thing about everything falling apart, is that there is no better time to start a new. So, a day at a time, I rebuild, I throw away what doesn't work for me any longer and I make plans for a new future. "I was wrong" I am not afraid to say this, and wrong I was about many things. Page after page, I watch my life story unfold in front of me, and I am the only one that can write the next chapter. For better and for worth, this is my life, and as strange as it can sometimes get, I love it...

Always a big thank you to those that stay through the years and to those that just pass through, love you all. You all make this trip worth while. And what a journey it is, is all I know. Enjoy seems to be a sane choice, cause after all, we are all in this boat called life, for better and for worth... might as well study, learn and digest from the bad, and make our life better from it:)

No comments: