41 years later

Once again, I passed another year. 41 years laters, and I am still here, even to my own surprise. For some, it’s old, for other’s it’s the beginning of life. For me, it’s a trip, and oh, what a trip it’s been. Around 40, we’re supposed to be grown ups, we should be adults as the books say. But I don’t believe everything that the book write and I am not quite sure what an adult is yet. So, for this time, let’s take a look at what those 41 years in this life has taught me and if I even learned anything...

One thing is sure, is that I don’t know. I have no idea what this life is about, this planet, or the strange creatures inhabiting this world. If I found no answers, I still enjoy sharing a conversation with the earth inhabitants. So, we meet, we talk, we walk, eat, and sometimes more. And we share ideas, views of the world we live in, cooking recipes and we call it art. Everyone seems to have their own opinions, and I found that even in a similar group of people, the opinions will still differ from person to person. So, I figured that opinions might just be something to talk about, more than something that points to any sort of reality. I found that to have peace, sometimes it’s better to hide one’s own opinion, and to just say: “ok. Yes, you are right”. This technique has the positive effect of boosting the other’s ego, but also to avoid getting into an argument over abstract notions such as science, politics, religion, arts, and other fuzzy data. Next time you don’t feel like arguing your own opinion, try: “Yes, you are right” or even better “I don’t know” and observe the result.

During those 41 years, I traveled quite a bit. I went here and there, had tea with various types of people, lived in cultures quite different from the one I was born into. During those years, I saw many gods, many religions, all with their little hat or a special necklace, pants or funny socks. I found that religion would not give me any answers. The religions after all, were written by men for men, so I figured I might as well speak with men about the questions I have. Everywhere I went, it seemed that there was some types of issues. People always seem to want to change something. The political system is shit, we want a revolution, they say! So, I studied human history, just enough to see that the revolutions have amounted to very little in actual “human equality, brotherhood” and all those types of utopic dreams. The revolutions around the world have made millions and millions of dead, and still, the poor work hard at low paying jobs, the middle ones get middle pay and the rich stay rich. So, I found that neither religion nor politics would answer my questions.

During those years, I experimented with the personal realm as well. After the teenage sex drugs and rock and roll, and yes it was real fun, I went more deeply in the love and relationship question. A few stories laters and I fell from a tree. I fell deep and hard, got married and had the usual dance of passion. I love you, I hate you, come, go, no, yes, maybe, again, I love you, I hate you, go, no, yes, come, go. Again. Of course, I did not pick an easy story. Intercultural relation, age diference, both as stubborn as the other. I was blinded by love, or rather burned by the fire of passion. And the wood burned, the years passed, and the again same same with them. Until finally I had to accept that I have no idea what this thing we call love is. I had to start all over, got burned by fire. Duty, responsibility, freedom, alone, togetherness, all seemed to point to a paradox, a point where no answer works anymore, and where the only way to go is…oh wait, I am still looking for that one. It seems to be that the answer itself is the way we go. This whole relationship thing can be full of joy, full of great things, but it can also be extremely confusing, devastating and quite painful. So, I found that neither religion, nor politics, nor science, nor relationships gave me the answers I was looking for. Will the passion transform into love after the fire has burned? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, I had to do something else. Any relationship, if it goes better with time, is like a good wine and it needs to breathe, so we breathe.

The more I looked at the world, the more it seemed crazy. Not that it is more or less crazy nowadays, but it seemed that it was always crazy. A circus of some sorts, a joke some would say, an illusion others call it. I still don’t know what it is, maybe a cosmic joke, a theatre of puppet shadows, a ghostly ball. I don’t know, but if I wanted an answer for my questions, the answer had to be hiding somewhere, deep inside of me. So, I looked and I looked and I looked, and I found that inside, there was absolutely nothing to be found. Inside all this confusion, all the questions, doubts, fears, desires and all the human is made up of, I found this seed. The seed of great nothing seemed to be made of pure creation. At this point I suspected that all inhabitants of this world contain the same seed, the seed of great nothing. Looking into the seed, I understood that the questions are also nothing for truly they have no answers, or rather each question contains a multitude of answers which each give birth to a million new questions. The words we have, the music, the arts, the gods and demons and all that humans have invented so far, are such little things compared to what human is. All the arts are infinite fragments of the true complexity of men and women. So complex, that it seems to go a lot better when we stop asking them damned questions.

In my 41 years, it is what amazes me the most. It’s this creature called human.What other creature is capable of such beauty and such terror all at once? What creature goes on even when things seem impossible? If the world can sometimes seem like an insane asylum, it’s also a magical circus, and I am stuck on the boat, myself one of the inhabitants of this world. So, if I learned anything in this past 41 years, is that as much as I sometimes dislike the human species, I also think it’s quite amazing that it can even exists. I find that the relationship I have with humans is the relationship I have with my own self, so I might as well enjoy my own company. I find that there is no need to ask too many questions, for the answers have like a Pandora smell to them, and it’s a bit farty. I found that even if the world is a house for lunatics, I have met enough amazing lunatics to make the whole trip worthwhile. Enough tea, sugar and cups. All in all, it’s been a trip. I don’t know what’s next, but what is for sure, is that I’ll take it one day at a time. What I found is that simple is best. 

Love you all that make this trip the mystery it is:)

Photos taken in Aurillac, France street festival.